I always hate today. Even if I’m doing something fun I can’t get away from the fact that December 2nd is the anniversary of what should have been. December 2nd 1989 was the happiest day of my life – both of us couldn’t stop smiling and laughing. Lots of people said it wouldn’t last, but we didn’t believe them.
It didn’t last – for various reasons. I never stopped loving him, even though by the end I didn’t like him. I left for my own sanity. I think I had this vague hope that that would be the catalyst for him to get the help he needed. It wasn’t. It sent him spiralling further into the depths of his problems.
I can’t help but remember the date. I wish I didn’t. I wish I could’ve woken up this morning positive about the rest of my life instead of going over and over what might have been if I’d tried harder, if I’d stuck by him, if I’d just done something different.
I woke up feeling numb. I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I told people I was sad about coming to the end of my placement in Buenos Aires. I tried to chat to people online to distract myself, I tried being cheerful but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t really care about anything. I felt everything I was saying or doing was wrong and although I didn’t want to hurt anyone, I didn’t want to talk today. I tried to arrange meet-ups and telephone calls with people for when I get home from this trip, but everything felt a blur. I felt worthless and not for the first time contemplated if I’d rest in peace if I took the same way out as he did.
I went for a walk along the docks of Puerto Madero. All of a sudden the numbness went and the tears started and they wouldn’t stop. Local sellers tried to tempt me with their patter to do a tour or go to their restaurants. Couldn’t they say the mess I was in?
I staggered the mile and a half back to my room. I thought about having a drink to try and be sociable, but I just want to sleep.
If things had been different, we would be living happily together now with our children and maybe even grandchildren. Instead I’m alone wondering if I will ever be capable or ready to have a relationship again. Wondering what my purpose is in life and whether anything will give me a sense of fulfilment for more than a few minutes.